Ruin Me

“Ruin me”, she said,

“Ruin me with your lies”,

“Ruin me as you move your moist lips closer to mine, whispering nothing but sweet nothings”

“Ruin me”, she said,

“Ruin me, take this heart, worry not about guarding it with your brittle hands, protection was never their forte”,

“Ruin me”, she said,

“Ruin my every being, as you run your fingers down my body, watching it respond with every touch laid on it, waters gushing out and… I can’t feel my legs”

“Ruin me”, she said,

“Ruin me while I lie to myself that I’m stronger without you, that I’m better off without you”,

“Ruin me”

Trapped in my thoughts…

I haven’t written in a long while,

I haven’t put pen to paper and let my thoughts run wild, free them and let them run like Forrest Gump did.

I’ve been trapped in my thoughts, thinking about what to write, what to say and how to react to things affecting my external being while letting my internal self implode, when all I really wanted was to explode. To show my naked feelings, but the world isn’t ready for that, it’s not ready to handle…my…type.

I haven’t written in long while, or even let my thoughts and feelings known because the world would just reject every word I put out on the platter. I feel and felt feelings that only I think I understand…

Feelings that my words don’t rhyme good enough or fit in this world that’s tough.

I haven’t written in a long while, heck I haven’t been myself in a long while, I have flashbacks of my past self. I feel okay, without any mental issues while feeling like I’m lying to myself. I feel like I’ve been taken out of my element, feel like the accident changed me, feel like I spend most my days angry at myself, feel like I’m not good enough to keep up with this world…

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i wish you knew how i felt, how you make me feel,

sometimes i wonder if you ever feel, if you have a heart,

i wish every word you spew broke the way it breaks me,

you treat me like i’m an object, one you can break any time and throw money at to fix it,

but that’s just a temporary fix, one that fades away when i sit, alone and all the words you’ve said cloud my thoughts,

in your eyes i’ve never been good enough, i’ve never done no right,

in your eyes i’ve never been human, all i’ve ever been was less important than you, less human than you are,

to you when i try explain things to you i’m nothing but stupid, i’m nothing but on drugs because no i cannot talk sense because you are older and know the way of life,

i’m told to brush it off, that you don’t mean any of the things you say or do, that it’s just the alcohol talking and not you,

but i can’t, i can’t just brush it off any of it,

i want you to know something though,

i remember,

i remember everything you’ve ever done to my mother,

i remember when you wanted to throw me into that dam because i wouldn’t tell you were she was,

i remember,

i remember all those times you’d chase me away and tell me you’re not my father,

i remember when you told me i’m nothing, nothing without you,

i remember when you raised your hands and laid them on us,

i remember,

all i wish for though, is for my brother to never be like you, to never hear you utter those words to him or his mother,

i wish he has a better life growing up than i did,

all i can do is wish.

​ Day 4: 10 Interesting Things About Yourself

 

Errr, this is going to be hard as I don’t find myself interesting at all. I’d like to think I’m an ordinary person who’s far from being interesting…but let’s see what I can come up with.

1. I love to read, I read just about everything and anything. Especially when I’m in the toilet, I’d read the shit out of that Air Freshener can.
2. I’m multilingual, I speak about 6 languages (English, isiZulu, Shona, Chichewa, a mixture of Sesotho, Sepedi and Setswana) and I’m trying to teach myself a few more languages like isiXhosa, French and maybe Xitsonga.
3. Love is and will always be my Achilles heel. I just love to love and love to be loved.
4. IT was never my first love, I loved computers and all while growing up but I never intended to study IT and turn it into a career.
5. I found out I was good with words while I was in a Physical Science class and I was playing around on my phone, showed what I had typed to a friend of mine and he liked it, then I decided to try out this writing pieces thing. And here I am 8 years or so later.
6. I have a minor case of OCD if there is such a thing, though I try to hide it a lot and slob away like the rest of these humans here.
7. I love winter, especially when it’s overcast, I feel I’m more productive when the weather is like that.
8. I analyze a lot, from the way people act or behave to their spelling and way of pronouncing things. I sometimes correct them in my head except for my friends, well sometimes I do it in my head.
9. I develop crushes easily, though I never react to it.
10. I don’t drink, I’ve drunk alcohol before but I opted to stop as I didn’t see a purpose for me to carry on drinking.

​ Day 3: Your First Love and First Kiss

 

My first kiss happened back in Fourth Grade, so, a friend of mine and this girl he was “dating” were talking and I overheard them talking about kissing, well rather they were talking about a different style (lamza/romie) of kissing (French Kissing). I pretended not to be interested in the conversation at first.

After school the 3 of us were chilling in class and they resumed their conversation, and I ended up asking what that style of kissing was because I only knew kissing as a pat on the lips. Out of nowhere this girl, my friend’s girl jumped on me only uttering two words “It’s this…” and she kissed me. And somehow after that kiss we ended up “dating” and that was how I got my first kiss.

When it comes to my first love I don’t know how to put it, I mean I’ve loved a lot and all loves were different from each other. We could say the first girl I dated was my first love, ever since my first kiss, our first kiss, we kissed a whole lot while we were still dating. We had our lil cute ups and downs, like this one time when she couldn’t decide who she wanted to be with, my friend or I. So we forced her to choose and well she chose me, cool, we dated til like Grade 7 when she accepted another guy’s proposal and didn’t bother to dump or whatever, so I went on with my life like nothing had happened.

Plain love?

i bought you a flower today, the moment i saw it, you came into mind, it filled me with joy only your presence gives me,

 

time though short is nothing but a mere word when i’m right beside you, creating memories that i playback like a cassette on repeat when you’re gone,

 

i am content, content with the none materialistic contents created from nothing but our love, with them i feel alive, with them i can feel love, i can feel God, in you i feel him,

 

every moment i spend with you i fall in love with you, fall as though it’s my first time, but the floor i never hit as in your heart i land, caught by your love, reminded that we’re in this together, for forever and a day,

past life…

in my past life, i loved you, i loved every inch of you, i’d do anything for you, i would walk a mile just to see your smile. but that’s in my past life,

my heart would skip a beat for you, dance to the rhythm of your love, drown in your love, intoxicated by it, but now, now it’s sobered by your the pain you fed it, the hate you forced on it,

in my past life, you were all i knew, your being was engraved all over my body, i was your reflection, i was equal you, we could never be subtracted nor divided,

in my past life i thought i knew love, i thought i knew you, i thought you were love but all i knew was nothing, i never knew you. you were never love nor was love you.

Thoughts of You

beep, beep, beep my alarm goes as another dream of you, another dream of us before we lock lips is interrupted. just as i thought we’d finally do it, and you’d be mine, reality happened and i came back to earth. but on my mind, you remained.

as i brush my teeth i catch glimpses of you the mirror, i find myself daydreaming about you, daydreaming about us with you fixing yourself up before you leave the house and i, well, i doing nothing but staring, star struck, admiring the beauty that is you…then i come back to light and i have to rinse my toothbrush and avoid making contact with the mirror, so i don’t have to see glimpses of you.

i enter the shower, slowly turning on each tap until I get the perfect temperature of water, with each drop that touches my skin i get flashes of you, in there, with me. as i scrub your back and i run my hands on your body as though i was inspecting it. gently caressing it, leaving goosebumps on your skin as drops of water run down your body until they hit the floor, i wake and finish off showering.

i dress fine like wine and smell of a cologne whose scent i hope you’d catch, one day. i drive, and imagine you, by my side, playing songs i’d sing with you, for you….beep, beep, a hooter goes i’m reminded to turn, and by my side, i look, and you aren’t there, anymore.

Good Man

​

What is a good man? 

I found myself asking myself this question, well, rather I found myself asking myself if I am a good man, or maybe if I ought to ask other people if I am a good man. Then I asked myself again, why do I need to find out from other people if I am a good man or not, I, myself should know if I am or not. Someone else’s opinion about me isn’t what I am, someone could have it against you and paint you into something you’re not. 
In my opinion a good man, isn’t defined by the friends he hangs with, the car he drives, the type of job he has or the size of his pocket. A good man to me is far beyond the world’s standards. 
Deep down I know what I am, and I for one know that I am a good man. 
I am one of those good men that exist, I may not know about their characteristics but I know about mine. 
I am: 
– Kind to everyone I meet and talk to and I for one don’t think I have an enemy. 

– Loving, yes I love, heck I love loving like there’s no tomorrow. Made a few errors here and there where I limited myself from loving and well it left me hurt and all but it made realise that I need not limit my love for anything or anyone. I ought to give it out freely and as pure as it is. So yeah, I love to love you 

– Honest, some may the fact that I’m honest but I don’t see why I should lie to a person to make them feel better. I rather be straight forward with you. 

– Loyal, I don’t what to say but hey I’m just loyal. 

– Respectful, I don’t care who you are but I’ll respect you. Even if you can’t/won’t respect me I’ll respect you, but just because I’ll respect you doesn’t mean I’ll just let you disrespect me with saying that a word. I voice out what I don’t find appropriate but with respect. 
That’s not all that I am, but I pray, I believe in God. I believe Jesus is Lord. I always try to live according to the Bible, though I know I’m not perfect and won’t get everything correct but I’ll keep on trying. There’s much more to me, and I’m far beyond the world’s standards of a good man. 
So, yeah, there are Good Men out there, we do exist, but there aren’t any perfect men. Though you could get one perfect for you. 

Good men do exist.

 

And I proclaim that I am a Good Man, and I’ll always strive to remain a good man. 

Sometimes

We look at the screen with teary eyes, and an broken heart;

With the hope that things will get better gradually dying, 
Sometimes we type a long message

We write out our thoughts as words filled with our feelings & soul;

We want to tell the whole truth, describe every inch of our pain as clear as crystal,

But then we clear it all for tears to fall down like rain;
Sometimes we say we’re okay, 

When feel like letting it all out and the truth is entirely different,

Sometimes we hide our pain to see smiles, hoping those smiles are contagious enough for us to catch them;

Sometimes, these times happen everytime

And we just forget about ourselves, time travel and get lost in time!
Sometimes we say things we don’t mean, We just speak so we don’t sound mean, painting smiles on faces when we wish they knew the truth;

Sometimes we happen to care too much, forget about ourselves and so we tell lies to hide our feelings, to hide our true faces.