I decided, well, to sort of like write, actually to type my thoughts without having to go over what I wrote. I mess up every once in a while, actually everyone messes up every now and then. And I’m actually learning to accept myself as I am and everyone as they are. No one is perfect, no one thinks the same way as I do, yeah I know someone has said this before but don’t mind if I say it over again.
I always strive to be a better person than I was yesterday, I always try to see the good in everyone and everything no matter how screwed up it/or they may be. I really amaze myself lately, I tend to find myself giving out relationship advice to people encouraging them to push on and not give up on their partner no matter how difficult it may be. Sure that person messed up but that doesn’t mean you should give up on them, next time you could be the one who messes up and needing them to forgive you and not give up on you. Should you find it hard to forgive that person, turn to God, relationship start with him, I mean he is love after all so you can’t say you giving up on love because it would be like giving up on God. Wait though I don’t mean you should be in a relationship solely for love but in it to grow as a person and together under God.
So like the other day my friend and I were talking about dating each others’ exs and we somehow ended up saying “ain’t nothing wrong with dating each others’ exs”. I mean if your friend and your ex love each other who are you to stop them from dating? You can’t tell me you’ve never thought to yourself that you could treat your friend’s partner better than they did because they kept on mistreating their partner and you wished to show the partner that not everyone is going to treat them like that. If you’re ever stuck in such a situation don’t be bitter, just accept it that you or anyone else can stop love. Even God said “Love your neighbour as you love yourself”, so, as you wish yourself love wish it for others too, even if they fall for your ex, you too might fall for theirs.
Then while taking a walk with my friend talking about my non existent love life, he says to me I’m indecisive when it comes to what I want. Actually to who I want to be with, or should I say the type of girl I want to date. I found myself stuck aka hung up over my ex of plus minus two years even though it’s been over a year since we broke up, or rather I broke her heart (and I find myself ending up messing her telling her I miss her and love her). I thought I knew what I wanted but the more I searched for the type of girl I “wanted” the more I got lost, ended up in the arms of a girl who had it hard for me and I didn’t feel the same. I thought I’d eventually fall for her as days went by but I was wrong and I ended up breaking the poor girl’s heart, two girls in a row, this must be my longest streak ever (laughs). No, I’m not happy about what I did, wish I could undo everything and make everything perfect for everyone but unfortunately life doesn’t have an undo button. So yeah, I know what I want like everyone else, but what do I need? I guess I’ll have to leave everything up to God and let him bring the woman that I am supposed to end up with into my life. As at this moment I am confused, I found myself falling, again, for a close friend of mine, best friend to be exact and I can’t be with her as she has a partner. I don’t want to mess up her relationship for my gain but how will I know if she is the one that God chose for me? I know they say that if someone is the one, you’ll feel it in your heart but I know I love her, I loved her for years now and she knows it but is she the one? I’m not one to ruin to mess other people’s relationships but I do love her. I find myself yearning to see her or simply chat to her and it sometimes feels like she does too but forces herself not to chat to me because she fears she’ll fall even harder for me.
Yeah, I’m such a mess. I need to end my search of love and let God take the steering wheel.